A friend talked J and I into watching children of men last night.
it was a really good film. I wish I hadn't seen it. I will not see it again.
I don't know if it's my hormones or if it's because of the the time proximity of giving birth, but once the main female character went into labor I started crying. The crying did not stop at the end of the movie. In fact, right after the movie, in spite of the fact that it was 10ish at night, I made everybody watch mamma mia so that I wouldn't go to bed sobbing and having nightmares.

J and I just kept checking on the baby throughout the film, like, every 10 minutes.
yeah, it was probably a bad idea to watch it.

I've started writing in my paper journal lately. When I was a teenager I wrote in there everyday, but going back and reading I find that most days I did a quick list of what happened/what I did that day, and it's not very in-depth. now I may write what happened in the day, but I mostly try to write my thoughts or feelings about what happened, or whatever is going through my head at the moment. I went back a re-read the first few entries and I realize that I'm a pretty neurotic person. I'm conflicted about a lot of things, I worry, I'm very nervous, I'm insecure and have a low self esteem. when I write in my journal right before bed is when all these negativities manifest most prominently.

separate topic:
When I was little I used to want a maid to clean up after me. I've recently come to realize that I would be horribly uncomfortable with having a maid. I'm a messy person, and I dislike how messy I am. When jay starts cleaning without me I get angry for 2 reasons: I'm ashamed of myself and I hate not knowing where my stuff is.
having someone from outside come in to clean would make me unbearably ashamed.

It's almost midnight, the baby is in bed but I'm still up and doing stuff. I almost feel guilty about that. Like, I'm up past my bedtime. I'm probably going to be a basket case in the morning.

We got health insurance again. the last time the baby was seen was probably about 2 months ago, when she got her first vaccinations. Today she's got a new doctor. The word is that she looks good, height good, head good, but need to feed her more. She got her next set of vaccinations today. We put her on the examination table and held a toy over her head while the nurse gave her the injections. I almost feel like a traitor! Et tu, mommy? now she's got injection site pain and she's really grumpy.

Wednesday, on my mom-in-law's day off, she watched the baby and I got a MAKEOVER! okay, not exactly, but I did spend a lot of money. I bought new shoes, not-maternity pants, nursing bra that actually fits, haircut and eyebrows waxed. It was really, really nice. I don't think I like my haircut, but it's more difficult for the baby to grab and put in her mouth so I'm satisfied. I can't explain how happy I am to be wearing not-maternity pants. That sounds really lame and stupid, but it's made me feel more like a normal person. When I was pregnant you've got all these exemptions: your clothes all have "stretch panels"  or empire waistlines, there are restrictions on what you can eat and saying it feels like your body is playing tricks on you wouldn't be an exaggeration (potty problems, swelling, loosening of joints...). Finally getting into regular pants is a big step for me to feeling like a normal person again. I think the next step will come after I stop nursing the baby (for 27 years these things are pretty much useless, and now I've gotta worry about leakage on my CHEST? WHAT THE HECK? you keep telling yourself to expect it, but when it starts happening it's so weird/annoying.)

i forgot why I was blogging in the first place. I feel kinda lame 'cause all I talk about is my baby, and being a mom and stuff like that. I don't talk about normal-people stuff. I was listening to live 105 (wait, is 105.3 live in the bay area or san diego? 'cause I know they're rock stations in both places) and they had all this stupid new music on. Does that make me crotchety and old if I don't like stupid new music? Later they started playing some cool music from about 15 years ago, does that make me lame and "oh, they don't make music like the used to"? I'm so behind in the news that it took me a day or two to even know there were riots in Oakland (AGAIN!). I try to go for a walk in the mornings with the baby, but sometimes that doesn't work out for me. what else should I be doing here? How do I do stuff and be a mom at the same time? how can I go on BART and nurse?

if I don't stop now I'm gonna make myself depressed. Yeah, I'm really tired now. When you post/text/message when you're really tired, it's almost like doing it when you're drunk. (Not super like it, only kinda like it. or maybe just for me).

I signed up for netflix. I really like the ability to get videos through your x60, but I've had the i am legend dvd for the last month, but I just can't get around to watching it. I don't want to mail it back without watching it, but I'm sick of having it around the house. Oh, and good news for me, I can't even find the dang thing anymore.

okay, okay, for serious now, I'm stopping.

baby has been washed
I have my new computer
my cold is moving out of my head
things are looking better
:D

my (MY!) new laptop should be arriving soon. I'm kinda excited. I've never had my own computer. of course, I'm not going to be the only person using it. The idea of having internet access while nobody else is home is appealing. it's an outlet. it's a freedom. Sure, I can walk out the door, but there are so many constraints on my life right now that I don't feel like I'm too free. Of course, this too shall pass.

ever since j got his new job I haven't been able to go online much. He takes the laptop to work for... well, work, and once he gets home we're mostly taking care of the baby. It's kinda isolating, but I don't think it's really hit home yet.

J and I are tossing around the idea of getting me my own laptop, but I already feel like I'm not paying enough attention to the baby as it is. We signed up for netflix, and I can watch it directly through the 360. I've already finished heroes season 1, and am halfway through the 4th from the second season. My days area spent on the couch instead of stimulating her brain, as is my job!! (guilt)

BTW: I heard her laugh the other day. It made me cry. she's also learned how to arch her back in the infuriating way babies do. she's learning how to use her hands, and she's reeeeely teething. her two front teeth at the bottom are peeking out, similar to how tulips sprout from the dirt this time of year.

She's also been really fussy lately. it's frustrating.

the last 4 days J, baby and I have been house-sitting for some friends of ours. They live in concord. They have a 3 bed, 3 bath + loft house. pretty dang nice. hardwood floors and everything. They went to Singapore. I hope they brought me back something nice! =D

tomorrow I am going with some friends to see twilight. I'm really looking forward to it. I MISS ALL YOU GUYS! San Diego, Bay area, LA, misc other locations. I know I don't call. I'm sorry. it's frustrating getting into a call and the baby cries. <=(

I tried a durian shake yesterday. it tasted of pure evil.

Apparently another friend has found her way to Twilight. I let her borrow the first book. in one day she finished it and bought the second.

family gatherings are awesome when you have a baby. I didn't know where she was most of today, but I knew she was safe.

happy thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!

J got a job at UC Berkeley
Baby talks to her mobile
My potted daisy is blooming
I'm feeling a little nervous about being left absolutely alone with the baby while J is at work, but generally in a great mood! :D

Since I now have a flickr account (hello 5 years ago! where have i BEEN?) I can now annoy the world with pictures of my baby!
enjoy!
http://flickr.com/photos/30862610@N05/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QIGJTHdH50

this speech is fantastic!
this actually gets me riled up and all patriotic!

so, last monday my dad went into the emergency room 'cause he had bad heartburn for 24 hours, and while in the hospital, being monitored, he had a heart attack. mom called me tuesday morning to tell me the news, and she told me not to bother driving out to hayward until wednesday. I spent the rest of the day freaking out, biting my nails to oblivion and furiously reading the book hotaru bought me. I wasn't able to get a hold of my mom or little sister all day. in the late afternoon I was able to get a hold of my older sister (she had just gotten back from class), who told me to ignore my mom and come out anyways.

we got to my mom's house, fed the baby, then proceeded to the santa clara kaiser to see my dad. I'm glad I went when I did. people in attendance: mom, older sister, younger sister, her husband and baby, me, my husband and baby. When I got there they had already checked out a blockage, which had occurred at a y junction, and again at the same location of blockage from last time.

we stayed at my mom's house until friday afternoon. His quadruple bypass surgery took place on thursday. after spending all wednesday with him at the hospital we figured it was a waste of time to go to the hospital on thursday, when he'd be drugged and in the icu (2 visitors at a time, 5 minute stay, no one under the age of 14).

we saw him on friday, tho, before we went home. he looks miserable. heavily drugged, lots of tubes in his arm, a tube in his neck, a tube draining blood from his chest (that was freaky) and a foley catheter. when I saw him I tried to keep it light by joking the whole time, but it was hard. Yesterday morning I woke up with a headache, fever and chills - I've got mastitis again!! My little sister said she was about to faint when she saw him, but I was already feeling pretty crappy so I couldn't tell much of a difference. =P

Fun facts:

My mom's birthday was last wednesday (the day before her husband went into a potentially lethal surgery)

My father's birthday is next saturday. he may even be out of the hospital by then!

yesterday I had to feed the baby in the ICU waiting room sitting exactly next to a monk (in full friar tuck garb). I feel guilty that I took so much pleasure out of that.

we drove home yesterday from santa clara to antioch in rush hour traffic. the stress kept the baby up and crying until 1:something AM.

I didn't know my milk supply could diminish while my breasts still hurt like I've been stabbed.

my medical insurance runs out on 10/31, right before my baby's next doctor appointment.

***
I'm taking a motrin for my chills, feeding my baby and drowning my sorrows in little big planet.

hah, she's just like her daddy:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30862610@N05/2930993274/

http://www.thehappiestbaby.com/
this guy really knows what he's talking about, but the fact that he looks like murray from flight of the conchords makes it hard to concentrate on what he's saying.

i haz a flavr!!!!
XD

I'd like to say to everyone who's sent email, text, presents, replies, messages, etc... that yes, I have received them all. I'm not ignoring you. we really do appreciate all of your love and support at this time. We're just very, very tired. I can't imagine doing all this by myself or with J going off to work. I have all the respect in the world for women in those circumstances.

After some misadventures with breastfeeding my lactation consultant, ob/gyn, pediatrician, husband and baby won't let me give up. we're working through the kinks (and blisters and cracks and bruises) and things are getting a little better. I'm having some mastitis, which seems to be getting better. My temperature at it's peak was 103.2. it's now down to 98.7, which I'm okay with. I'm trying to avoid the antibiotics my ob/gyn prescribed. Normally I'm all for medicines and drugs, 'cause doctors know far more than I do, but my lactation consultant told me that there would be a risk of giving my baby thrush, which I'd rather not deal with right now. we're working on getting baby's latch better and I'm pumping any excess left over after feedings. I can deal with me being sick. I can't deal with baby or J being sick right now.

I've gotten some messages from well-wishers asking if we need anything, and I can only think of a few things:
for baby
-crib mobile
-car sunshades
for mommy and daddy
-amusements (books, dvds, whatever)

I'm willing to dole out our address if you email me. I'm trying to avoid getting cabin fever. The pediatrician says we shouldn't be taking her out in crowded public places for the first 3 or 6 months. I'm the food supply, I go where she goes. >_<

to be honest, we're doing pretty good (all things considered). J is working on getting her cultured with important pieces of historical music, and would like people's opinions on which 8 or 16-bit music we should be playing for her (and where to find it).

and because new parents are physically incapable of talking about anything other than their children, here is the obligatory photo.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30862610@N05/2893261088/

PS to ober: you liked scott pilgrim before it was cool! total biter.

ah! she's born!
09/18/08, 9:26pm
9 lbs 4 oz, 18 in
full head of black hair, chubby cheeks.

after posting yesterday things started moving forward. Like ober said, I eventually got myself an epidural. I keep trying to low-ball the pain number, just in case it gets much worse, so I'd say my pain was at about a 7 when I got it.

getting an epidural is worth the procedure it takes to get it, but the procedure was like a new version of hell I hadn't realized existed yet. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, trying as hard as I can to curl my back outward so the dr can get the needle in, but since I've got such a big belly I can't bend too much. The dr and nurses keep emphasizing "no matter what, do not move". I'm not interested in becoming paralyzed for life, so I'm taking their warnings to heart. as mentioned before, I'm curled up (which hurts), I'm still getting contractions and I've got a doctor poking my spine with a needle. I honestly don't know how, but they told me later that I didn't move a bit.

the epidural takes ALL THE PAIN AWAY! I have to check the monitor to even find out when I'm having a contraction. It was really amazing.

during another exam by the nurses my water breaks, and baby starts acting up. If I'm on my right side her heart rate lowers, when I have a contraction she starts moving away. by about 6pm I'm only at 5-6cm dilated and baby's already passes meconium in the amniotic fluid. The on-call surgeon starts getting us ready for a c-section.

These people are real professions, let me tell you. Once the word was said, J was in scrubs, I had my hair in a bonnet, we got the papers signed and the wheeled me directly into the OR. going through the halls in the wheely-bed was surreal, like in the movies.

One of the side-effects of an epidural is shivering. when I'm in the OR under the lights I'm shaking like crazy. I'm sure part of it was due to the epidural, some 'cause of the stress, some from fear and some from cold. The entire procedure went insanely fast. They had me in, baby out, me stitched up and me out within about an hour. J was able to hold my hand and talk to me the whole time. That was very reassuring.

The meconium didn't create a problem for baby, she was out and crying just fine. Once I was sewn up they got us to the recovery room. I got to nurse her, hold her, cuddle her, everything.  after a while they got us into the room we'll be in for a few more days, while they monitor me post-op. J and I both called our parents and tried to sleep.

she's been really good so far, but I've heard that newborns just sleep for the first couple days. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm actually surprised that she looks entirely like J. I know his genes are dominant (and maybe now he'll stop asking for a paternity test ;D), but I was hoping she'd get something from me too. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

One of the weirdest things is that all the nurses have been taking care of me much in the same way as taking care of a baby: getting me drinks, wiping me, emptying my catheter, changing my iv, did I mention cleaning and wiping me? yeah, that's weird.

ah! j's mom and brother are here! the new gramma and uncle! the first of the family to visit. I'll write more when I'm not nursing or sleeping. 
XD SHE'S SO CUUUTE!

The story thus far:
yesterday our appointment to begin inducing labor was at 7:30am. they got me hooked up, wired up and drugged up (not the good, oblivious kind. the bad, contraction kind).
Contractions begin - okay! They start out pretty okay. I mean, as far as contractions come, they're not so bad.
The day wears on. Tv is turned on, mom and H come over. Mother-in-law and brother-in-law come over.
One thing I've started noticing was my modestly is being thrown right out the window. I'm doing the best I can with the peek-a-boo gown, but with the nurses coming in every 20 minutes to readjust monitors directly against
hold on, contraction....
directly against my bare belly it's a little difficult to maintain my standard level of "show just the ends of appendages". When J's brother was in here I was kinda uncomfortable. He just got his braces off and a new pair of glasses, and since he came straight from class he also started setting up his laptop.
hold on, contraction...
he was getting too cozy. When his mom left, J made sure his brother left too. That was nice.
The doctor checked on me about 2pm and told me that since I was only about 1-2 cm dilated still they were probably going to stop the meds by about 7 and start again in the morning.
Contractions started coming faster and harder. I now understand how some women can break hands/beds/etc while in labor. You just totally clench up and hang on.
The nurse says that since the contractions are coming so close together with such intensity that I might be more dilated, might be able to deliver early the next day. By 6pm the nurse comes back to check if I'm more dilated - nope. just in more pain, just in more contractions. By this point I'm tired from holding out against the contractions. Like, muscles literally shaking. When she tells me I'm not even more dilated I just started crying. They took me off the meds and gave me some pills to relax my muscles (didn't work that good). it's now 8pm. I'm taking a whirlpool bath (greatest invention in history. better than the wheel)
contraction...
I'm hoping that by now I can relax some. They give me dinner, I turn on project runway, but I am seriously starting to conk out. They applied a medication directly to my cervex
contraction....
directly to my cervex to soften it up. They also gave me a little something "to help me sleep" (which felt awesome!). slept 1 1/2 hours - used the potty. slept 1 hour - used the potty. slept 1 hour - used the potty (etc)
it's now 7:11 - almost 24 hours since coming in. since they took me off the contraction medicines I've been contracting on my own - which is technically good, but it also hinders my ability to sleep. I'm going to be an honest-to-goodness nutcase by the time I've got a baby in my arms.
contraction...
I'm keeping this room colder than a warehouse - poor J.
contraction...
screw natural childbirth. I'm hoping they check my cervex again and start up the contraction meds soon so I can finally get my epidural. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of this day! <=(
I'm so tired i could cry.

stupid hospital and their stupid wireless connection. I lost the post I just finished! >:(

anyway, I'm in the hospital, I'm in labor. Came in at 7:30am to induce and it's 2:00pm now. This is going to take forever!
when I stop being mad about losing that last post I'll write some more.
yes, I'm in the peek-a-boo gown and I've got wires attached to everything.

not feeling the magic yet. Mostly feeling pain.

bleh, finished the book.

---unnecessary spoiler warning----
so, like, 3/4 of the way through the book the main character's mother (who is still married to the main character's father AND deeply religious) gets raped by her church's choir director. she feels absolutely guilty about it and feels it's her fault because she thought he was handsome and interesting.
oh, and the best part? she has a miscarriage of the rape pregnancy while singing in front of the congregation in the choir and bleeds all over everything.
and it can still be considered to have a "happy" ending.

I'm, uh, gonna go read some brainless fluff now. hopefully I can find something with magical girls, or a shy guy who wishes the hopelessly clumsy, but well meaning, pink-haired girl will fall in love with him.

it's okay now, guys. I've stopped reading breaking dawn for now. met up with K on friday. in addition to her lending me some stuff I also picked up free food for millionaires. I'm about 2/3 of the way through it, and i don't know if I like it or not. parts are very good, parts are very bad. I just find it hard to believe that in this gigantic world every single relationship has to have a little adultery now and then. I'll grant you, nothing spices up a story about relationships quite like the protagonist walking in on her boyfriend having a menage-a-trois, but c'mon! how many times do I have to read/watch a story about someone walking in during one of these little trysts?

I trust J absolutely, always have. I've never batted an eye to leave him alone in the apartment with an attracktiff blonde (heh, shout out to motorbike!). But after watching too many cheatin' chick flick movies there would be times when I'd come home from class/church/errands early and turn the key in the lock reeeeely quietly just to find him playing video games or washing dishes. In a way, the media has let me down.